*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
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People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
🙀🙀🙀😹
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.