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40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I have never related to a cat more
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
A Match(.com), but for socks.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.