Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook ππ
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The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
If youβre a tire company you shouldnβt say you work tirelessly
Itβs the weekend yβall
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I forgot the word βturkeyβso I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and canβt eat his soup
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like βwait whatβ
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now heβs working at that one place kind of downtown by that other placeβ¦
-my wife telling a story
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.