Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
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I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Milk Cube
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.