My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
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My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Herpes is trending, good job people
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.