WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
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My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus