I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
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Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.