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“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
love it when they get my name right
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.