Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
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The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.