*praying for world peace*
God:
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me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
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Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!