If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
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-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…