My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
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“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.