Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
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You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Free him
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me