spicy snake
You Might Also Like
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS