I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
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[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now