DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
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If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
He is just living hist best little life 😊
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.