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Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Sex so good you see dead people.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people