Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
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3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?