This hospital has everything
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My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..