Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
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Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*