Hit me in the face with a bird
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i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
favorite tropes as memes
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion