“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
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Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.