Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
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Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
You can’t outrun your problems…
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.