Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
You Might Also Like
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.