Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
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I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it