It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
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Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Beauty and the Beast
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy