going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
You Might Also Like
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.