Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Safety first
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.