If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
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hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”