The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while