Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
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“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
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[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?