1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
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I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.