I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Note to self: always read the final line
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.