Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?