I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
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Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
WWE is French for “yes”
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it