I enjoy a good short stor
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Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh