My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
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What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Awwwww shit.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
My first child will be named New Folder.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?