Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
You Might Also Like
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is