Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
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Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.