ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
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My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
dutch so unserious
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle