Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
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Merry Christmas
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
hey, alexa
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.