Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
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[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
This meal prepping shit easy
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past