The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
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*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Mmmm canned fish.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer