[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
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Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
There is no try. There is only give up.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run