Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
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This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro