[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
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I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
*sewing*
A thread
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”