My plans: 2020:
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Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Not today, today.
Not today.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]