Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
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Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names