Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
You Might Also Like
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
nice challenge
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Breakfast for Stoners:
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it