My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
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Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Wise advice
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.